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A  COURT  COMEDY 


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A  COURT  COMEDY 


CHICAGO 
THE  DRAMATIC  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


Copyright,  1904y  by  Marjorie  Benton  Cooke 
Made  in  United  States  of  America 

First  printed  In  DRAMATIC  EPISODES.  1904 — reprinted  1911. 1919. 1923. 
Reprinted  as  a  pamphlet,  1928. 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

A  PLAY  IN  ONE  ACT. 

CHARACTERS: 

Charles  II  of  England. 

Lady  Francis  Stuart,  a  Lady-in-Waiting. 

Nell  Gwynn. 

SETTING. — Ante  room  in  the  Palace,  furnished  in  the 
period.  Up  stage,  center,  a  curtained  door.  Up 
stage,  left,  a  small  table  with  decanter  and 
glasses.  A  bell  rope  hangs  from  left  corner 
of  ceiling.  Down,  right,  a  heavy  carved  bench. 
Down,  left  front,  a  writing  table  strewn  with 
writing  materials.  B.  2  E.,  a  door.  Boom  if> 
lighted  with  candles. 

NOTE. — Nell  Gwynn  speaks  with  slight  Irish  accent. 

'Discovered — Lady   Stuart — on   couch,   head    in 
hand.    She  sighs. 

LADY  S.  Oh  I  am  so  weary  of  it  all — so  utterly 
weary.  The  jealousy — the  gossip;  the  petty 
intrigue  of  the  court — -Life  is  at  its  ugliest  here  1 
[Tenderly.]  And  the  Queen — our  poor  unloved, 
yet  loving  Queen,  each  day  she  wrings  my  heart 
dry  of  pity  1  The  King — bah  1  [Rises  and  goes  to 
table.]  Richmond — Richmond,  I  pray  the  wars 
may  soon  be  over,  and  you  may  come  and  take 
me  away  from  this  place — soon — soon ! 

[Enter — the  King  stealthily  at  back — looking 
about  as  if  in  fear  of  pursuit.  Lady  S.  does  not 
hear  nor  see  him.] 

KING  S.     Pensive,  ma  belle  Stuart? 

LADY  S.  [Alarmed.]  Sire!  [She  courtesy >s,  eyes 
on  him.] 


2055221 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

KING.  Not  "Sire"  to  those  we  love,  my  Lady 
— they  call  us  Charles ! 

LADY  S.  [Coldly.]  Your  Majesty  doth  honor 
me  too  much!  [King  laughs,  goes  down  right, 
tosses  hat  on  bench.] 

KING.  You  give  us  a  royal  welcome,  Stuart, 
quite  a  royal  welcome!  One  of  the  difficulties  of 
Kings,  Milady,  is  the  impossibility  of  doing  any- 
thing alone.  We  go  always  with  a  pack  of 
courtiers  snarling  at  our  heels.  [Saunters  up 
stage,  and  looks  off.]  But  this  time,  methinks,  we 
have  escaped  them.  Oddsfish — the  temptation  had 
to  be  great  to  warrant  our  taking  that  trouble. 
Well,  [Comes  toward  her  slowly.]  t'was  great 
enough.  A  man  would  do  much  for  a  word 
alone  with  thee. 

LADY  S.  [Moving  away.]  I  thought  that  your 
Majesty  was  at  the  Council  at  this  hour. 

KING.  Council?  Gods-eye — is  a  man  never  to 
have  a  minute  to  call  his  own?  The  affairs  of 
England — they  bore  me!  I'd  rather  turn  my  at- 
tention to — affairs  of  the  heart ! 

LADY  S.  England's  affairs  should  be  the  af- 
fairs of  your  heart,  Sire,  and  of  your  head  too. 

KING.  You  preach  to  me,  too,  do  you?  You'd 
teach  me  to  play  the  part  of  King?  Leave  that  to 
my  ministers,  fair  Stuart,  and  you  teach  me — 
sweeter  things! 

LADY  S.  [Evasively.]  They  do  say  duty's 
sweet,  Sire! 

KING.  [Annoyed.]  Sire!  Sire!  Will  you  drop 
the  King  and  turn  your  attention  to  the  man  ? 

LADY  S.  Nay — Sire — that  would  be  treason. 
10 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

[Lady  S.  goes  to  table,  and  King  sits  on  bench  at 
right.] 

KING.  I  see  you're  bound  to  preach  to  me. 
Well,  you've  given  me  the  first  duty  of  a  sov- 
ereign— what's  the  first  duty  of  a  subject,  fair 
young  judge? 

LADY  S.  To  love  England — and  the  King, 
Sire. 

KING.  [Leans  toward  her.]  Ah — now  we 
come  to  an  interesting  point.  Are  you  a  good 
subject,  Lady  Stuart?  Do  you  love  your  King? 

LADY  S.    Why — I — I  hope  so,  Sire. 

KING.  [Springs  up — speaks  explosively.] 
Hope  so !  Egad,  Milady,  I'll  have  you  up  for 
treason !  Protest  a  bit,  for  pity's  sake,  and  swear 
you  love  your  King  with  all  your  heart,  you  lovely 
traitor.  [Imitates  her.]  I — faith — -she  hopes  she 
loves  her  King!  Madame,  must  I  do  the  protest- 
ing ?  Oddsfish,  I'll  teach  thee  warmth ! 

LADY  S.  You  can't  kindle  warmth,  where 
there  is  no  fire. 

KING.    What  mean  you  by  that,  Madame? 

LADY  S.    I  leave  that  to  your  Majesty's  wit! 

KING.  [Warmly.]  Then  I'll  build  the  fire, 
and  blow  it  with  my  love  as  bellows.  For  by  my 
troth,  I  love  thee  well,  ice-maiden!  [He  goes 
behind  table  and  leans  over  her  shoulder,  face 
close  to  hers,  arms  half  about  her.  She  goes 
quickly  center.} 

LADY  S.  [Hotly.]  Sire — you  would  insult  me — ! 

KING.  [Leans  on  table,  laughing.]  Faith, 
Madame,  the  King's  love  is  an  insult  most  of  my 
courtiers  would  brook  in  patience! 

LADY  S.  And  there  I  differ  from  most  of  your 
11 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

Majesty's  court,  and  I  say  again,  you  insult  her 
Majesty  the  Queen,  as  well  as  me.  [Grimly.]  I 
would  not  rival  her  Grace  of  Cleveland,  nor  the 
Duchess  of  Portsmouth,  Sire — I  leave  them  to 
contend  for  your  royal  favors! 

KING.    [Angrily.]   You  go  far! 

LADY  S.  [Angrily.]  Then  your  Majesty  £oes 
farther! 

KING.  Oddsfish,  Stuart,  I  like  your  spirit! 
Can  nothing  touch  that  heart  of  yours?  Look — 
see — [Drops  on  knee.]  your  Sovereign  on  his 
knees!  [Stuart  looks  about  in  alarm,  then  bends 
over  him.} 

LADY  S.  Sire — Sire — I  beg  of  you  rise.  Sup- 
pose someone  should  see  you  thus!  Think  of  me 
— think  of  yourself — think  of  England! 

KING.  [Half  jestingly.}  Here  I  stay  until  you 
say  "Charles — I  love  you!" 

LADY  S-  [Finally.]  Then  there  you  stay  till  the 
crack  of  doom — and  after.  [King  springs  up  and 
faces  her.] 

KING.  What?  You  refuse  my  favors?  You 
dare  to  thwart  me,  Stuart?  What  do  you  mean 
by  it — what's  your  reason?  Am  I  old?  Am  I 
ugly?  Ah — I  see — you  love  some  one  else.  Well, 
let  that  man  beware!  You  don't  trample  on  the 
King  of  England  without  consequence,  Madame. 
Who  is  he  ?  Out  with  it.  Buckhurst  ?  Off  he  goes ! 
No — Buckingham?  Well,  even  Buckingham  shall 
suffer  for  it! 

LADY  S.  [Coldly.[  Your  Majesty  is  hasty  at 
conclusions.  These  gentlemen  are  nothing  to  me ! 

KING.  Who  is  he,  then — who  is  he?  I  shall 
not  stir  from  this  place  till  I've  had  it  from  you. 

13 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

Ah — ha — now  I  remember  the  incident  of  the 
garden.  So  its  Richmond — is  it?  Well,  here's  a 
kettle  of  fish!  We'll  settle  with  him.  But  t'other 
day  a  pretty  lady  asked  for  his  recall,  and  now 
we'll  have  him  running  back  to  court  1 

LADY  S.     [Alarmed.}    Sire — I  beg  of  you — 

KING.    Ah — the  ice-maiden  melts ! 

LADY  S.  [Coldly.]  Your  Majesty  is  quite 
wrong ! 

KING.  [Hotly.]  Madame — the  king  can  do 
no  wrong!  I'll  sign  the  papers  for  Richmond's 
recall  this  night — 

LADY  S.  Sire — Sire !  [King  strides  to  door  up 
center,  turns  angrily.] 

KING.  Sire  me  no  Sires,  Madame — and  let  that 
man  beware!  [Goes  out.  Stuart  follows  hint  up 
stage  and  stands  staring  after  him  as  if  dazed.] 

LADY  S.  What  have  I  done?  Richmond — I've 
ruined  us  both  by  this!  What  shall  I  do?  To 
whom  can  I  go  ?  Ah — yes — the  Queen — [Starts  as 
if  to  go  out,  then  stops.]  in  any  other  trouble,  yes 
—-but  now.  I  cannot  say  to  her  the  King  has—- 
Oh, Richmond  must  not  come  here.  If  the  King 
discovers  we  do  love — there  is  no  telling  what 
he  may  do  to  humiliate  us!  Cleveland?  Ports- 
mouth? Ah,  no,  I  cannot.  [Sudden  inspiration.] 
Gwynn!  Nell  Gwynn — they  say  the  player  girl 
has  the  king  upon  a  string.  I  wonder — well,  I 
can  but  try.  [Goes  to  table,  and  writes  rapidly.] 
Nell  Gwynn — Royal  Theater,  London. 

Dear  Madame — 

Will  you  come  to  my  apartments  to-night  after 
the  play,  on  a  matter  of  urgent  business? 

FRANCES  STUART. 

13 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

[Looks  at  clock.]  It  may  be  too  late  even  now. 
[Goes  up  stage  and  pulls  rope.  Enter  Page.]  A 
note  for  Mistress  Nell  Gwynn  of  the  Royal  Thea- 
ter, at  the  end  of  the  next  street.  A  fat  purse  for 
you  if  you  get  her  here  within  the  hour.  Haste 
now.  [Page  runs  out.  She  "watches  him,  then 
turns  front.}  That  I — Frances  Stuart — with  royal 
blood  in  my  veins,  should  have  to  humble  myself 
to  this  Irish  jade  from  the  gutter!  [Tenderly.} 
Ah — Richmond,  forgive  me — it's  little  enough  to 
do  for  you— -dear  heart!  If  she'll  only  use  her  in- 
fluence with  the  King!  Well — she  must — I'll 
make  her.  She  must  never  know  I'm  asking  a 
favor  of  her — I'll  make  her  think  the  favor  is  all 
mine.  [Disgust]  Oh,  this  court  of  England — 
where  there  is  danger  in  a  glance — a  handclasp 
— where  true  love  is  treason — it's  penalty — dis- 
grace !  [She  sits  on  bench.] 

VOICE  WITHOUT.  Never  mind — I'll  announce 
meself ! 

LADY  S.    What?  My  messenger  so  soon? 

[Enter  Nell  Gwynn.  She  stops,  looks  about, 
sees  Lady  S.  and  sails  down  toward  her,  head  in 
the  air.  Court esys  low.] 

GWYNN.  Lady  Frances  Stuart,  I  suppose?  I 
met  your  man  outside  the  theater — this  letter 
tells  me,  ye  have  business  with  me ! 

LADY  S.  [Inspecting  her.]  You  are  Nell 
Gwynn  the  player,  are  you  not?  [Gwynn  draws 
herself  up,  and  inspects  Stuart.] 

GWYNN.  Mistress  Eleanor  Gwynn — -at  your 
service!  May  I  ask  to  what  I  owe  the  honor  of 
this  interview? 

LADY  S.     [Intensely-]  You    see   I   had  to  get 

14 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

you  here  somehow — [Gwynn' s  interrogatory 
glance  causes  her  to  catch  herself  lightly.]  I — 
I've  always  had  some  idle  curiosity  about  you, 
Mistress  Gwynn.  [Gwynn  looks  at  her  indig- 
nantly, then  laughs.] 

GWYNN.  [Low  mocking  courtesy.]  Proud  to 
fill  your  ladyship's  idle  moments — quite  fair,  I'm 
sure,  for  I  regret  to  say,  your  Ladyship's  filled 
some  of  mine. 

STUART.  I — I've  always  wondered  how  you 
looked  off  the  stage  ? 

GWYNN.  [Laughs,  marches  front.]  Well — • 
what  do  ye  think  of  me? 

LADY  S.     I'm  pleasantly  surprised. 

GWYNN-  [Aside.]  She  grants  me  looks — I'm 
prepared  for  war!  [To •  Stuart.]  May  I  ask 
what  ye  ixpicted  ? 

LADY  S.    Irish  face — red  hair — snub  nose! 

GWYNN.  [Laughs  loudly.]  .Well,  methinks, 
Milady,  that  I've  got  them  all !  .[Seriously.]  Ah — 
I  see — 'tis  that  I've  got  more  of  them  than  ye 
ixpicted.  Lady  Stuart,  I'm  generously  endowed 
by  Nature.  I  grant  ye,  I've  none  of  your  beauty 
that's  only  skin  deep — my  beauty  is  within — I've 
a  fine,  large  capacious  heart! 

LADY  S.  Capacious — so  I've  heard.  Big 
enough  for  half  the  kingdom. 

GWYNN.  Half  the  kingdom — well — that's  big 
enough  for  all  the  men. 

LADY  S.  Ah,  yes,  the  men.  One  hears  such 
tales  about  you! 

GWYNN.     [Takes  center.]  Doesn't  one?  Faith 
— 'tis  all  I  can  do  to  recognize  meself  by  the  por- 
trait Rumor  paints  of  me! 
15 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

LADY  S.  I  suppose  you  know  almost  every- 
one at  court,  Mistress  Gwynn?  [She  motions  to 
chair — Gwynn  drags  it  center  and  sits-] 

GWYNN.  [Nods.]  By  reputation — or  the  lack 
of  it! 

LADY  S.  I  hear  that  all  the  men  are  at  your 
feet. 

GWYNN.  Men — did  ye  say,  Lady  Stuart? 
There  are  few  enough  men  at  court.  I  think 
of  three — Buckingham — Buckhurst  — •  Richmond. 
The  rest  are  courtiers,  fops  and  fools! 

LADY  S.  [Laughs  satirically.]  'Tis  well  you 
make  that  speech  behind  his  Majesty's  back. 

GWYNN.  Faith,  Madame,  I've  made  it  often 
enough  to  his  face! 

LADY  S.    And  what  said  his  Majesty  to  that? 

GWYNN.  [Laughs,  drags  chair  back  to  table.] 
Well,  to  be  exact  he  said — "Odds — fish,  my 
heart,  in  the  kingdom  of  the  witless — the  half 
wit  is  a  King."  [Lady  S.  joins  reluctantly  in 
Gwynn' s  mirth.} 

LADY  S.  [Watching  her  closely.}  They  tell 
me  you  and  the  King  are  great — friends! 
[Gwynn  comes  center,  speaking  sincerely.} 

GWYNN.  Then  they  tell  you  true,  Milady, 
for  the  King  has  no  truer  friend,  nor  more  loyal 
subject  than  Nell  Gwynn !  [Stuart  rises,  crosses, 
as  if  in  doubt-} 

LADY  S.  And  the  King  loves  you?  [Gwynn 
shoots  glance  at  her,  hesitating  whether  to  resent 
remark — then  laughs.] 

GWYNN.  So  he  says' — more  fool  he.  You  see, 
my  Lady,  it's  like  this.  Now  I'm  the  only  hon- 
est rascal  in  the  kingdom.  The  rest  spend  all 

16 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

their  time  play-actin'.  I  spend  my  nights  play- 
actin' — but  the  rest  of  the  time  I'm  meself — just 
plain  Nell  Gwynn — I  go  where  I  will,  do  what 
I  wist — and  the  Divil  take  the  hindmost! 
[Saunters  up  stage.} 

LADY  S.  [Anxiously.]  You  have  some — in- 
fluence with  the  King?  [Gwynn  turns  and  looks 
at  her  keenly.} 

GWYNN.  Ye  certainly  are  well  informed. 
[Suddenly.}  Are  ye  in  love  with  the  King  your- 
self? 

LADY  S.     Heaven  forbid! 

GWYNN.  That's  what  I  say!  Poor  Charles, 
ye'd  freeze  him  to  death  with  one  of  your  looks! 
[Shrewdly.}  They  do  say  that  his  Majesty  has 
an  eye  for  you,  Milady, — though  I'm  hanged  if  I 
see  his  reasons.  [Goes  up  stage  again.  Lady  S. 
bursts  out,  agitatedly.} 

LADY  S.    Does  the  King  trust  you? 

GWYNN.  Trust  me  ?  Oh — as  well  as  the  next. 
I'm  his  chief  advisor — he  calls  me  "Lord  Cham- 
berlain." But  yesterday  he  said — "Lord  Cham- 
berlain, I'm  tired  to  death  and  worn  out  tryin'  to 
please  the  people  of  England — what  shall  I  do?" 
And  I  said — "Sire — there's  but  one  way  left — 
sweep  out  all  the  women,  and  run  this  kingdom 
to  suit  yourself — and  hang  the  first  man  that's 
not  content." 

LADY  S.  As  one  of  the  women,  you'd  banish 
yourself!  [Gwynn  prances  front,  strikes  atti- 
tude.} 

GWYNN.  Nay,  Madame,  I'm — I'm  the  Lord 
Chamberlain ! 

17 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

LADY  S.  How  does  his  Majesty  brook  Mis- 
tress Gwynn's  other  lovers? 

GWYNN.  Faith,  they're  mine,  not  his.  I  take 
good  care  of  them. 

LADY  S.    Buckingham,  Pepys,  Richmond — 

GWYNN.  Tilly — vally — don't  ask  for  an  in- 
ventory. I  never  was  good  at  a  memory. 

LADY  S.  I  suppose  you've  heard  that  Rich- 
mond is  to  be  recalled  and  another  put  in  his 
place  in  command? 

GWYNN.  [Aside.]  Richmond  again — so 
that's  where  the  shoe  pinches! 

LADY  S.  [Earnestly.]  It  must  be  hard  for 
Richmond,  whose  heart  and  strength  are  all  the 
King's — it  must  be  hard  for  Richmond  to  be 
called  back,  to  gratify  some  woman — so  'tis  said. 

GWYNN.  [Surprise.]  Woman  —  who?  Oh 
.  .  .  now,  I  see. 

LADY  S.  [Hotly.]  Yes,  a  woman.  Some 
traitor  to  England,  and  the  King — bah — a  reed 
in  the  wind ! 

GWYNN.  [Laughs.]  Tis  well  you  make  that 
speech  behind  his  Majesty's  back!  [Lady  S. 
conies  toward  her.] 

LADY  S.  Mistress  Gwynn,  why  don't  you  use 
your  influence  with  the  King  for  the  good  of 
England?  Why  don't  you  induce  his  Majesty 
to  re-instate  Richmond,  and — 

GWYNN.  [Laughingly  interrupts.]  Faith — 
Madame,  'twas  I  that  called  him  in!  I  dare  not 
whiff  round  again,  and  send  him  out,  or  the  chief 
advisor  will  be  accused  of  instability.  The  King 
may  be  a  reed,  as  you  say,  but  the  Lord  Chamber- 
lain must  be  a  steady  wind  to  blow  him ! 
18 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

LADY  S.  [Astonished.]  You — you  had  Rich- 
mond recalled?  He  is  one  of  your  lovers  then? 

GWYNN.  [Aside.]  I  begin  to  see  light— the 
iceberg's  jealous.  Well,  'tis  enough  to  say  that 
I  wanted  him  back  for  a  scheme  of  me  own! 
[Lady  S.  turns  on  Gwynn  in  rage.] 

LADY  S.  Well,  Madam,  I  suppose  you'll  sell 
your  favors.  I  wish  to  buy  your  influence  with 
the  King.  What  sum  will  you  name  to  induce 
him  to  reinstate  the  Duke  of  Richmond?  Name 
your  price — I'll  pay  you  well!  [Gwynn  starts 
toward  her  as  if  to  strike  her — stops  center,  both 
women  angrily  facing  each  other.] 

GWYNN.  [Bursts  out.]  Oh — you  fool— you 
great  fool — you  hussy!  Buy  me?  [Laughs 
harshly.]  Buy  my  influence  with  the  King? 
Well,  I  may  have  been  born  in  the  gutter,  but  by 
my  faith,  I'll  never  stoop  so  low  as  this,  great 
Lady.  Buy  me?  Well — what  do  ye  offer ? 

LADY  S.    You  will?    Oh — a  hundred  pounds! 

GWYNN.    Nay. 

LADY  S.     Double  it! 

GWYNN.     Higher. 

LADY  S.    Double  that! 

GWYNN.  Ah — you  do  pay  well,  but  not  well 
enough.  Triple  it,  and  then  triple  that,  and 
when  you've  done,  I'll  throw  your  money  in  your 
face  and  show  you  you  can't  buy  Nell  Gwynn  for 
love  nor  money!  [Marches  up  stage  toward 
door.  Stuart  follows  agitated.] 

LADY  S.  Wait — wait,  you  must  hear  me.  Oh, 
is  there  no  way  to  get  you  to  help  me? 

19 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

GWYNN.  If  there  is,  I  don't  happen  to  think 
of  it  just  now. 

LADY  S.    Mistress  Gwynn,  have  you  no  heart? 

GWYNN.  Heart?  Plenty  and  to  spare — but  it 
doesn't  open  to  threats — nor  pounds.  Go  to  the 
King  yourself,  if  you're  so  anxious  for  your  Rich- 
mond. 

LADY  S.    Oh,  I  dare  not — I  dare  not. 

GWYNN.  He  doesn't  bite.  Go  buy  his  favors, 
if  you  can't  buy  mine!  [Starts  to  go  again,  but 
Stuart  intercepts  her.] 

LADY  S.  Mistress  Gwynn,  I've  made  a  mis- 
take about  you — I'm  sorry.  But  I'm  in  great 
trouble,  and  I  don't  know  where  to  turn — nor 
what  to  do! 

GWYNN.  Trouble?  Well — why  didn't  ye  say 
that  in  the  first  place?  Out  with  it. 

LADY  S.    Can  I  trust  you? 

GWYNN.  Probably  not — I'm  a  woman.  But 
I've  a  head  on  me  shoulders,  which  is  more  than 
most  of  ye  at  court  can  say-  It's  about  the  Duke 
of  Richmond,  I  take  it. 

LADY  S.  Yes — it's — oh,  how  can  I  tell  you? 
The  King  has — has — 

GWYNN.     [Quickly.]     Made  love  to  ye,  well? 

LADY  S.  I  tried  to  escape — I  tried  to  avoid  him 
— but  tonight — he  found  me  here  alone  and  he — 

GWYNN.  Made  love  to  ye — ye  needn't  shy  at 
the  word!  And  then? 

LADY  S.    Then  he  got  down  on  his  knees — 

GWYNN.    On  his  knees — Charles — ?    Well? 

LADY  S.  He  said — he'd  stay  there  until  I  said 
I  loved  him. 

20 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

GWYNN.  I  see — so  you  said  it  quick  to  get 
him  up! 

LADY  S.  Madame!  I  said  "Then  there  you 
stay  till  the  crack  of  doom,  and  after!" 

GWYNN.  You  said  that  to  Charles  II,  King1  of 
England?  You  said  that?  Lady  Stuart,  I've 
done  ye  great  injustice.  You're  a  woman  after 
my  own  heart.  Why,  I  like  you  better  every 
moment  I  see  you — well — what  then? 

LADY  S.  His  Majesty  was  very  angry  and  in- 
sisted I  must  love  another — so  he  put  me  through 
the  list.  Then  he  remembered  seeing  me  in  the 
Gardens  with  the  Duke  of  Richmond — and  de- 
cided he  was  the  man.  He  hurried  off  to  sign 
papers  for  his  immediate  recall. 

GWYNN.  I  see,  and  you  don't  want  him  re- 
called— because — •  ? 

LADY  S.  Because,  Mistress  Gwynn — I  love 
him! 

GWYNN.  Now,  why  didn't  you  say  that  at 
first,  and  spare  us  both,  instead  of  trying  to  buy 
me  up? 

LADY  S.    Because  I  thought  you — you  were— 

GWYNN.  You  thought  I  was  a  fiend  instead  of 
— a  woman.  Well,  never  mind  that  now.  Rich- 
mond back  at  court — the  King  discovers  you  love, 
and  there's  the  Devil  to  pay.  [Stands  by  bench 
considering  a  moment.']  Well,  I  don't  see  anv- 
thing  for  it,  but  for  Nelly  to  have  it  out  with  the 
King! 

LADY  S.    Oh,  you  will?    You  think  you  could? 

GWYNN.  Think?  Nay,  Madame,  I  know — 
I  am  the  Lord  Chamberlain!  [Goes  front  left, 
21 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

Stuart  front  right.]      I'll  do  my  best  for  you, 
but— 

VOICE  WITHOUT.     Await  me  here— gentlemen 
• — I'll  see  her  alone. 
LADY  S.     [Alarmed.]     The  King! 
GWYNN.     [Laughs.]     The  Divil!  j  [King  ap- 
pears at  back.    Stands  looking  from  one  to  an- 
other in  surprise.] 

KING.  [Testily.]  How  now,  ladies?  What's 
this  I  hear? 

GWYNN.  Oh,  you  did  hear  it,  did  you,  Sire? 
Lady  Stuart  said — the  King — and  I  said — the 
Divil — but  they're  one  and  the  same  thing,  your 
Majesty! 

KING.  You're  here,  are  you,  Nell?  I  went  to 
the  theater  after  you ;  they  said  you'd  gone  home, 
and  I've  been  looking  for  you  ever  since. 

GWYNN.  [Slyly.]  And  'twas  your  loving 
heart  led  you  to  me  at  last,  eh,  Sire?  For  one 
awful  moment,  I  thought  'twas  Lady  Stuart  you 
were  seeking.  [King  comes  front  facing 
Stuart.] 

KING.  Lady  Stuart — I  did  not  know  that  you 
and  the  Gwynn  had  met.  [Gwynn  watches  Stuart 
anxiously  for  reply.] 

LADY  S.    We  are  but  lately — friends,  Sire. 
GWYNN.     Thanks.     We're    just    getting    ac- 
quainted.    [King  sits  at  center,  motioning  them 
to  do  likewise.    Stuart  sits  on  bench,  Gwynn  leans 
on  table.] 

KING.     Nell,  what  are  vou  up  to,  eh? 
GWYNN.     [Laughs.]     When  the  King's  away 
^-the  cats  will  play,  you  know,  Sire.     [Sails  up 
22 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

stage.]  We  were  just  singing  your  Majesty's 
praises. 

KING.  I'd  hate  to  leave  my  praises  to  Lady 
Stuart.  Methinks  they'd  remain  unsung! 

GWYNN.  Well,  Sire,  she  made  up  in  warmth, 
what  she  lacked  in  eloquence!  [She  leans  over 
Stuart,  whispering.]  Leave  me  alone  with  him. 
[She  goes  up  stage  again.  King  and  S.  sit  in 
stony  silence.  Gwynn  laughs  in  pantomime,  then 
bursts  out.  ]  Tilly — vally — you  two  are  hilarious ! 
[She  seizes  King's  hat,  which  hangs  on  his  chair, 
marches  front  imitating  King,  strikes  attitude  in 
front  of  him,  saying]  "How  now,  ladies,  what's 
this  I  hear?"  [King  scowls,  smiles,  laughs,  rises.] 

KING.     [Sternly.]     Give  me  the  hat,  Nell- 

GWYNN.  [Laughs.]  Nay,  Sire.  [King  goes 
up  stage,  S.  rises.  Gwynn  takes  in  situation.] 
Let's  all  sit  down.  No?  Well,  let's  all  stand  up. 
[Waves  hand  to  Stuart.  Loud  aside.]  Leave  me 
alone  with  him. 

LADY  S-    How  shall  I  get  away? 

GWYNN.  Use  your  wits!  [Starts  toward 
Stuart  with  exclamation.]  My  Lady,  what  is  it? 
You're  pale — you're  ill!  [Supports  her  to  bench.] 
She's  fainted,  poor  soul!  [To  S.]  Faint — will 
ye?  [King  rushes  forward.] 

KING.     What's  this?    Fainted? 

GWYNN.  Yes,  fainted.  Do  something,  man — 
quick.  [To  S.]  It's  all  right — keep  it  up.  [King 
distractedly  looking  about.] 

KING.     But  what,  Nell — water  on  her? 

GWYNN.  No,  wine  in  her.  [To  S.]  Can't 
you  turn  pale? 

23 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

KING.     Where,  Nell — where? 

GWYNN.  Look  under  the  chairs,  Charles.  Ye 
might  try  the  table!  [He  pours  out  wine,  and 
rushes  to  them.]  There,  take  a  little  of  this — > 
that's  better — now  she's  coming  to.  [Returns 
glass  to  King,  who  gees  up  stage  with  it.]  Come 
to,  a  bit,  will  ye?  Trust  me,  now — ask  his 
Majesty  to  excuse  ye.  [Both  riset  Gwynn  sup- 
porting Stuart.] 

LADY  S.  [Weakly.]  If  your  Majesty  will 
permit  me  to  retire? 

KING.    With  great  reluctance,  Madame. 

LADY  S.  [Stuart  and  Gwynn  both  courtesy,  S. 
backing  to  door  at  R.]  Sire! 

KING.    Madame!    [At  door,  Stuart  hesitates.] 

GWYNN.  Trust  me — wait  until  I  call  you. 
[Loud.]  Good  night,  Lady  Stuart.  [Gwynn 
waits,  facing  audience,  biting  her  lip,  in  doubt  as 
to  her  next  step.  All  through  scene  that  follows, 
she  must  make  the  audience  feel  that  she  is  slowly 
feeling  her  way  toward  her  purpose — to  get  the 
recall  away  from  the  King.  King  walks  slowly 
front,  arms  folded  and  watches  her.] 

KING.  [Sternly.]  Nell,  what  are  you  here 
for? 

GWYNN.  [Folds  arms,  facing  him.]  Sire, 
what  are  you  here  for? 

KING.     [Advancing.]     I'm  here  for — -you! 

GWYNN.  That  flattering-  tongue  of  yours  will 
be  the  death  of  you  yet,  Sire. 

KING.  You're  up  to  some  mischief — what  is  it 
now,  Minx? 

GWYNN.     Curiosity,    thy    name    is     Charles 

24 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

Stuart.  [Laughs  and  runs  past  him  down  left.] 
Well,  if  you  must  know — I'm  to  play  the  part  of 
cold  court  beauty  in  my  next  comedy,  and  [Low 
courtesy.]  I've  come  to  headquarters  to  learn  it. 
[King  sits  on  bench,  smiling  at  her.] 

KING-  They'll  have  to  give  you  a  good  many 
lessons,  Nelly,  to  make  a  courtier  out  of  you. 
What  have  you  learned  tonight? 

GWYNN.  You  think  I  can't  doit?  Well — now 
watch  me!  [Takes  off  hat,  and  sails  up  stage.] 
Enter  Lady — Lady — Pollywinkle!  [She  sweeps 
down  stage,  making  magnificent  courtesy  at  cen- 
ter.] Your  Majesty's  most  humble  servant! 
[King  bends  smiling  toward  her.  She  turns  on 
him.]  Well,  get  up,  Sire,  and  act  as  if  I  were 
somebody!  [He  jumps  to  feet,  bows  low.] 

KING.  Milady,  you  dazzle  us  with  your 
beauty ! 

GWYNN.  Don't  I  ?  [Low  bow]  Your  Majesty 
is  most  gracious! 

KING.  Methinks  I  saw  thee,  Lady  Pretty- 
wrinkle — 

GWYNN.     [Sternly.]     Pollywinkle! 

KING.  Ah,  yes,  Pollywinkle,  at  the  play  to- 
night ? 

GWYNN.  Aye.  I  trust  your  Majesty  was  not 
so  bored  as  I.  Tis  a  very  dull  thing  to  sit 
through  so  dull  a  play,  and  that  odious  Gwynn — 
how  she  did  smirk  and  wriggle.  I  was  so  bored ! 
[King  turns  aside  to  hide  smiles.] 

KING.  Bored  ?  I  was  enchanted.  The  Gwynn 
was  at  her  best — such  wit — such  daring!  [Gwynn 

25 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

claps  hands  behind  him,  then  regains  haughty 
manner.] 

GWYNN.  I  hear  this  paragon  was  a  shoe- 
maker's daughter!  [King  sits  on  bench.} 

KING.  [Sternly.]  Not  a  word,  Madame, 
against  the  Gwynn  in  my  presence!  [Gwynn 
kneels  before  him  in  pretended  alarm.} 

GWYNN.  I  have  the  misfortune  to  have  in- 
curred your  majesty's  disfavor.  I  crave  forgive- 
ness !  [Puts  elbow  on  knee,  chin  in  hand,  laughs 
up  at  him.]  Well,  why  don't  you  say  something 
—I  can't  do  all  the  talking ! 

KING.     Nell — I  love  you! 

GWYNN.  Of  course,  you  do.  I  don't  blame 
you — oh — now  that's  Nell  Gwynn.  I'm  out  of 
character.  I  mean — [Stiffly] — Sire,  you  over- 
whelm me  with — with — 

KING — Embarrassment  ? 

GWYNN.  Not  a  bit  of  it.  With  in — indebti- 
tude !  [Both  roar.  King  takes  her  hands  draw- 
ing her  to  him.] 

KING.  Ah,  Nelly,  you're  a  merry  witch! 
Don't  pick  up  the  court  tricks,  child.  I  like  your 
own  better ! 

GWYNN.    My  own?    I  have  no  tricks,  Sire! 

KING.  Ah,  you're  full  of  them.  [She  rises, 
bending  over  him.] 

GWYNN.  Now,  the  frown  has  all  gone,  and  we 
can  amuse  ourselves.  [Looks  about.]  What  do 
you  say,  Charles,  to  a  drop  of  Milady's  sherry? 
[Runs  to  table,  fills  glasses  and  takes  center.] 
One  for  you,  and  one  for  me,  and  I  give  you — 
My  King! 

26 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

KING.  [Joins  her  at  center.]  Here's  to  the 
merriest,  maddest  witch  in  the  kingdom — Nell 
Gwynn!  [She  takes  glasses  and  goes  to  table. 
He  crosses  down  left  to  ivriting  table.  Nell 
watches  him,  dubiously,  then  seizes  stool,  and  runs 
down  beside  him.] 

GWYNN.  Sire,  I  haven't  seen  you  for  twelve 
whole  hours — what's  the  news  with  the  kingdom 
— eh  ?  Is  the  council  waiting  for  you  outside  the 
door?  [Kneels  on  stool,  arm  about  him.]  Ah, 
now  there's  the  frown  again.  Must  I  do  all  my 
hard  work  over? 

KING.  Was  I  frowning,  Nelly?  [Slips  down 
on  stool,  his  arm  about  her,  her  head  against  him.] 

GWYNN.  Sour  as  a  lemon.  What's  the  mat- 
ter— has  the  Council  been  troubling  you  ? 

KING.  Not  as  much  as  I've  troubled  it,  dear 
heart. 

GWYNN.  Then  it  must  be  money.  I'll  lend 
ye  a  bit.  [Offers  purse,  which  King  weighs 
laughingly.  She  snatches  it.]  I  know — Rochester 
has  a  new  rhyme  at  your  Majesty's  expei.se! 

KING.     [Sternly.]     I'll  have  his  head  if  he  has ! 

GWYNN.    He'll  have  the  better  of  you  yet,  Sire. 

KING.    How  so? 

GWYNN.  He'll  be  out — ahead!  [Both  laugh, 
'Nell's  head  on  King's  shoulder.]  Hark  you — 
I've  improved  on  Rochester  myself — Charles.. 
[She  puts  stool  up  stage,  kneels  beside  him,  like 
effigy  on  tomb.] 


27 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

Here  lies  our  sovereign,  stiff  and  stark, 
Whose  amorous  course  is  now  run. 

He  never  loved  a  witless  maid — 
Nor  got  loved — by  a  wise  one ! 

[King  laughs  loudly,  draws  her  to  him — say- 
ing} 

KING.  Oddsfish,  Madame,  I'll  have  your 
head! 

GWYNN.  All  right,  Sire — where'll  you  have 
it?  [Puts  head  on  his  breast.] 

KING.  Ah,  Nelly — Nelly — would  there  were 
more  in  the  kingdom  like  you,  lass.  IK  your  voice 
there  is  eternal  sunshine.  With  you  there  is  rest 
— and  forgetfulness,  dear  heart.  [Gwynn  slides 
to  floor  at  his  feet,  looking  up  at  him.] 

GWYNN.  {Sighs.]  Ah,  Sire,  'tis  a  pity  you 
don't  concentrate  your  love — then  you'd  get  more 
rest — and  you  wouldn't  need  forgetfulness ! 

KING.  Well,  I  may  love  too  often,  but  not  too 
well,  Nell.  For  I  always  come  back  to  you — 
lass —  [Gwynn  springs  up,  and  takes  center.] 

GWYNN.  [Indignantly.]  So  I'm  your  last  re- 
sort, am  I? 

KING.  [Goes  to  her.]  Oh,  I  didn't  mean  that, 
Nell— 

GWYNN.  You'll  never  make  up  to  me  for  that 
speech,  Charles. 

KING.  Come — come — what  will  you  have? 
Must  I  go  down  on  my  royal  knees? 

GWYNN.  Faith — 'twould  surprise  them.  You 
must  pay  for  forgiveness — I've  a  favor,  Sire. 

28 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

[She  watches  him  keenly.    He  goes  to  bench — she 
crosses  left.] 

KING.    You — a  favor?    'Tis  granted. 

GWYNN.  [Joyfully.}  Promise  me  before  I 
ask  it? 

KING.     I  promise.     [She  runs  to  him.} 

GWYNN.  Well,  then — don't  recall  the  Duke  of 
Richmond. 

KING.     [Starts.]     How  now,  Nell? 

GWYNN.  Now,  don't  jump  round  like  that — 
and  don't  use  the  royal  manner  on  me,  for  it's 
wasted. 

KING.  Is  all  my  court  in  love  with  Richmond? 
But  ten  days  ago  you  asked  for  his  recall. 

GWYNN.    But  then  I  didn't  know  all. 

KING.    All  what? 

GWYNN.  Swear  by  your  crown  you  won't 
breathe  a  word  I'm  going  to  say,  to  a  soul — nor 
speak  to  anyone  about  it. 

KING.    I'll  make  no  rash  promises. 

GWYNN.    Very  well,  then — you  won't  hear  it. 

KING.     Nell,  I  command  thee! 

GWYNN.  Command?  Fht!  What's  that? 
[King  frowns,  smiles,  drops  back  resigned.} 

KING.  Well,  I  promise.  [Gwynn  runs  to  sit 
on  arm  of  bench,  arm  about  him.] 

GWYNN.  Now,  that's  my  nice  little  King! 
Well,  in  the  first  place  I  wanted  the  Duke  of 
Richmond  back  for  reasons — which  I  refuse  to 
divulge — [King  looks  at  her.] — but  I  wasn't  in 
love  with  him — truly  I  was  not.  Then  I  heard 
that  this  Lady  Stuart — whom  I  hate — hate — hate, 
and  your  Majesty  knows  why— 
20 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

KING.     Lady  Stuart — what  about  her? 

GWYNN.  She  wants  him  back,  too — to  pay 
up  a  grudge  she  owes  him.  She  has  no  use  for 
the  man,  you  know,  Sire.  I  came  here  and  de- 
manded an  explanation.  She  said  she  wanted 
him  back,  but  she  didn't  dare  ask  your  Majesty 
for  his  recall — so  she  got  it  by  a  ruse — 

KING.     [Angrily.}     A  ruse? 

GWYNN.  She  said  she'd  have  him  back  in  no 
time,  and  I  said — "Oh,  I  don't  know" — and  she 
said  "Mistress  Gwynn — the  thing  is  done."  "Very 
well,  then,"  said  I,  "we'll  undo  it."  [King  starts 
up  on  stage  as  if  to  go.] 

KING.  [Angrily.]  Where  is  she,  Nell?  Where 
is  this  woman  ?  [She  runs  to  him,  seizes  arm,  and 
leads  him  back  to  couch.] 

GWYNN.  Now,  calm  yourself,  Sire,  and  sit 
down  there.  And  remember  you  gave  me  your 
word  you  wouldn't  speak  to  a  soul  but  me  about 
it.  What's  more,  will  you  kindly  choose,  between 
that  cold-blooded  iceberg,  and  myself — she  says 
Richmond  comes  home,  I  say  he  stays — now 
choose!  [King  rises  and  crosses  in  towering 
rage.] 

KING.  Choose?  I'll  have  you  understand, 
Madame,  that  I'll  not  be  pulled  hither  and  thither 
by  the  women  of  my  court  like  a  puppet  in  a 
Punch  and  Judy  show !  Nor  you,  nor  Stuart,  nor 
any  other  shall  dictate  to  me.  I'll  pay  her  for  this 
trick,  and  as  for  you — •  [Nell  claps  hands  laugh- 

**£•] 

GWYNN.     Look  at  the  royal  temper! 

30 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

KING.  As  for  you — I'll  banish  you  both! 
[Laughter  frozen  on  Gwynn's  face.] 

GWYNN.  Banish !  That  word — from  you  to 
me !  Ah —  [  Goes  slowly  up  stage,  gets  hat  and 
starts  to  go,  then  runs  down  behind  him.]  Ah, 
Sire — banish  me  from  the  kingdom,  before  you 
banish  me  from  you  heart!  [Goes  slowly  up 
stage  to  door.  King  turns,  holds  out  arms.] 

KING.     [In  spite  of  himself.]     Nell — Nell — 

GWYNN.     [Joyously.]     Sire! 

KING.  Come  back — <lear  love —  [She  runs  t* 
him,  and  drops  on  knees  before  him.  He  kisses 
her  hair.  ]  I've  chosen.  See — here's  the  recall ! 
[Takes  paper  from  bosom  and  gives  it  to  her. 
She  kisses  his  hand  passionately.] 

GWYNN.     Ah,  Sire — thanks — thanks! 

KING.  But  let  me  off  from  my  promise,  Nell. 
I  must  send  the  Stuart  from  court — she's  tricked 
me — she's  tricked  me!  [He  goes  up  stage,  she 
crosses  next,  hugging  paper.] 

GWYNN.  It's  a  good  idea,  Charles — send  her 
away — but  don't  tell  her  why.  Now,  Charles, 
you  may  have  your  faults,  but  you  never  lied  to 
me,  and  you  gave  me  your  word. 

KING.  [Holds  out  hands  to  her.]  Nell,  I 
think  you're  the  only  woman  in  the  kingdom  who 
can  say  I  never  lied  to  her! 

GWYNN.  [Laughs.]  Lyin's  a  habit,  dear, 
like  lovin',  and  we've  got  the  habit.  Hark — did 
you  hear  the  hour  ? 

KING.  Yes,  it's  late— come  along,  I'll  see  you 
home. 

GWYNN.     No — I'll  stay  and  see  Lady  Stuart 
31 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

I  want  to  tell  her  that  I  used  a  ruse,  too,  and  the 
last  ruse  is  the  best — eh,  Sire? 

KING.  [Sits  on  table.]  Very  well,  then,  I'll 
wait. 

GWYNN.  No,  you  must  not.  Think  of  your 
reputation. 

KING.    My  what? 

GWYNN.  Reputation — did  you  never  hear  that 
word? 

KING.    Well,  we  don't  use  it  much  at  court. 

GWYNN.  Assume  a  virtue  if  you  have  it  not — 
and  away  with  you. 

KING.    Ah,  Nell,  let  me  stay. 

GWYNN.  [At  center.]  Charles  II.,  King  of 
England — as  Lord  Chamberlain  of  this  realm,  I 
command  thee  to  depart! 

KING.  [Seizes  her  hand,  bows  low  over  it.] 
Thy  word  is  England's  law,  Milord. 

GWYNN.  Goodnight — my  King!  [He  goes  to 
door,  she  runs  after  throwing  kiss.]  Oh,  wait — 
wait — Sire — I  have  a  better  idea — come  back. 
[Drags  him  front.]  Ye  shall  banish  the  Stuart 
this  very  night. 

KING.    What's  this? 

GWYNN.  Yes.  I'll  call  her  in,  and  you  can 
do  the  thing1  that's  to  be  done. 

KING.  But  what  excuse  shall  I  offer — unless 
I  say  I  know  she's  tricked  me? 

GWYNN.  Don't  offer  any  excuse— tell  her — 
you're  going  to  give  her — a  vacation.  [Puts  hand 
on  his  shoulder,  leads  him  front,  watching  him.} 
Charles,  did  you  ever  make  love  to  her? 

32 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

KING.  Love — Oh,  well,  now  and  then  per- 
haps. 

GWYNN.    Did  she  take  to  it? 

KING.  [Shrewdly.]  Nell — what  do  you  know  ? 
[She  puts  hands  on  his  two  shoulders.} 

GWYNN.     I  know — you — Sire!    Did  she? 

KING.    She's  a  cold  woman,  Nell — 

GWYNN.  Then  there  ye  have  it.  Tell  her 
she's  banished  for  snubbin'  the  King. 

KING.  Before  you?  She'll  think  you're 
jealous. 

GWYNN.  [Hesitates.]  N— o — not  before  me. 
I  tell  you,  I'll  hide,  then  when  you've  gone  I'll 
come  out  and  bid  her  a  fond  farewell. 

KING.     No,  no,  that  won't  do  at  all. 

GWYNN.  [Runs  toward  door.]  Yes,  it  will 
do.  [Calls.]  Lady  Stuart — Lady  Stuart! 

KING.  [Trying  to  stop  her.]  Nell— Nell— I 
forbid  you — 

GWYNN.  Out  of  my  way,  Charles,  I'll  hide — • 
up  here.  [Runs  behind  curtain  at  back.] 

KING,  [Aghast.]  Damme — the  impudence! 
[Enter  Lady  S.  hastily.] 

LADY  S.  Yes,  Mistress  Gwynn — has  he  gone? 
Oh — your  Majesty — I  thought  'twas  Mistress 
Gwynn's  voice. 

KING.    [Coldly.]    So  'twas. 

LADY  S.    But  she  has  gone? 

KING.  Well,  we  remain,  Lady  Stuart.  We 
find  our  cold  English  climate  so  blighting  to  a 
warm  nature  like  your  own,  that  we  would  sug- 
gest that  an  indefinite  stay  in  southern  France 
might  bring  about  a  thaw. 

83 


DRAMATIC  EPISODES. 

LADY  S.  You  mean  I  may  go?  Thanks — • 
thanks.  [Drops  on  knees.] 

KING.  [Coldly.]  We  contemplate  a  colony 
abroad  for  those  loyal  souls,  who  like  yourself  find 
the  King's  love  an  insult — and  banishment  the 
highest  joy! 

LADY  S.  Loyalty  spells  different  things  to  you 
and  me,  Sire.  I  carry  out  your  Majesty's  com- 
mands tomorrow  without  regret,  save  that  I 
would  I  might  have  said  farewell  to  Mistress 
Gwynn. 

KING.  [Smiles  sardonically.]  We'll  grant 
your  last  request.  [He  pulls  curtain,  disclosing 
Gwynn,  fingers  in  ears.] 

GWYNN.  I  haven't  heard  a  word.  Did  you 
do  it?  [Sees  Lady  S.  comes  front  in  surprise, 
looking  from  one  to  other.]  Why,  what's  the 
matter  ? 

KING.     Two  can  play  at  tricks,  Nell. 

GWYNN.     [Laughs.]     Ah — Sire — you — • 

LADY  S.    [Still,  in  the  dark.]  Mistress  Gwynn? 

GWYNN.  Aye  'tis  meself.  His  Majesty 
wouldn't  have  me  present  at  your  interview,  so 
I  stepped  into  the  ante-room.  [Gets  recall  from 
breast,  and  hands  it  to  her,  unseen  by  King.] 
Here's  the  recall — I  got  it  from  him  by  lyin'  and 
blarney.  [Lady  S.  clasps  it  and  the  hand,  too.} 

LADY  S.  [Spontaneously.}  How  good  you 
are! 

GWYNN.  Faith — 'taint  often  I  blush  at  that 
word.  No.  'tis  all  in  my  day's  work.  Last  night 
one  role,  tomorrow  another,  and  tonight — well,  1 

84 


A  COURT  COMEDY. 

grant  you  I  haven't  played  so  bad,  for  I've  played 
for  happiness,  and  I've  played  for — Love !  [Puts 
out  hand  to  King,  who  raises  it  to  lips.] 

KING.     And  you  haven't    played    in    vain — 
Witch — woman ! 

CURTAIN. 


85 


OH!  SUSAN! 

COMEDY-DRAMA   IN   FOUR   ACTS 
By  Katharine  Kavanaugh 

Characters,  four  male  and  six  female.  Modern  cos- 
tumes. Same  living-room  scene  for  the  four  acts.  Plays 
about  two  hours  and  a  half.  A  bachelor  refuses  to  marry, 
although  his  aunt  has  picked  many  "eligibles"  for  him. 
One  of  them  carries  the  war  into  his  country  and  is 
apparently  caught  in  the  act  of  burglarizing  his  apart- 
ment. She  had  exchanged  clothes  with  a  real  second- 
story  worker  and  the  bachelor  employs  her  as  a  maid 
in  his  establishment  with  a  view  of  "reforming"  her. 
The  ensuing  complications  are  both  humorous  and 
dramatic.  Here  is  a  fine  acting  play  with  strength  and 
comedy  and  well  diversified  and  contrasting  characters, 
and  with  the  simplest  scenery. 

Katharine  Kavanaugh  has  written  many  successful 
plays  like  "Betty,"  "Watch  My  Smoke,"  "When  Jane 
Takes  a  Hand,"  etc.,  but  "Oh !  Susan"  will  be  found  one 
of  her  best. 

Both  professional  and  amateur  actors  are  warned  not  to 
perform  this  play  until  they  have  the  written  permission  of  the 
publishers.  The  royalty  fee  is  $10  for  each  amateur  perform- 
ance, payable  in  advance.  Price,  50  cents. 

Address  all  orders  to 

THE  DRAMATIC  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 
CHICAGO,  ILLINOIS 


HOT  AIR 


STATION  P.  U.  N.  K.  BROADCASTS  A  RADIO 
COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 

By  Mary  Moncure  Parker 

Author  of  "Mrs.  Busby's  Pink   Tea,"  "Monologues  for   Young 
Patriots,"  etc. 

CAST  OF  CHARACTERS 

MR.  LOUD  SPEAKER,  the  announcer. 
MR.  PUFFUP,  the  physical  culture  expert. 
MR.  FLIM  FLAM,  the  bedtime  storyteller. 

MR.  LOVE,  MRS.  LOVE,  who  talk  on  love  and  marriage  and  quarrel 
in  the  interim. 

Miss  SOPHY  ANTIQUE,  a  singer  or  thinks  she  is. 

Miss  LIZZIE  LETTS,  the  child  poetess — several  seasons  from  child- 
hood. 

MR.  HORATIO  NUTT,  who  talks  on  horoscopes  and  is  all  sorts  of 
an  ologist. 

THE  EAR  SPLITTERS,  musical  trio-men,  or  women,  who  play  violin, 
saxophone,  guitar,  or  any  combination  of  instruments. 

THE  RANTERS  (one  woman,  two  men),  Miss  Pout,  Mr.  Spout, 
Mr.  Shout — in  a  play  called  "The  Stolen  Bride-to-Be  of 
The  Cruel  Parent." 

Plays  one  hour.  This  farce  is  a  take-off  of  a  broadcasting 
studio  program. 

It  is  one  of  the  newest  ideas  and  the  brightest,  sprightlLst, 
funniest  farce  ever  conceived.  Price,  25  cents. 

Address  all  orders  to 

THE  DRAMATIC  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

CHICAGO,  ILLINOIS 


A     000033105 


